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aspenjaspernix's journal
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Keep shoveling it in  Well a lot has happened, just when everyone thought i was dead! So lets see my room mate just had a baby, adorable... But is moving out, back in with dad. Babies are a lot of money I guess. So In turn means I must move out, apartments are a lot of money I guess. But o the flip side I am registered with all kinds of nanny companies and are looking at a few choices. My fav would be a couple in Scotland with a 6 year old boy and a 12 yr old girl. They live right in edinburg I can't spell really I can't. But I really want this job, its pretty much my dream job. Sigh...... Current mood:  determined.
i am picking up my new car today. Its a 05' cheavy Aveo. its smalla nd compact but its brand spankin new! meaning i can go on road trips, such as to visit UMF. And i started to look for a new apartment, to share with miss brittany martell. super psyched. But i am also starting to search for a new school for next fall, prbbly in NH but hey its an education. i think thats all for now, except that my billy grey called me and brought a tear to my eye, I miss all my UMFers soooooo much. Current mood:  ecstatic.
Today was a long and hard day. yesterday wasmy last day at the nannying and I started the villa full time today. as well as the new job i was told that. by my step mother, that i was to look for a new place to live, she wants her peace and solitude, wich she hasn't had since my father left. wait just a min. What the hell dose that mean? i have been paying bills and helping out and everything i was told that i had till ths winter to find a place, i was goign to leave when my dad came back cause carolyn need my help. then all of a sudden it's " you need to leave". and the timing just gets me to. right after i am done watching her grand kid, so she dosen't need me any more. well i ove being used so why not. So as of this week i am moving in with a friend untill i can find my own place. Most of the time i wonder if i am such a bad person. everyone who is spose to love me always lets me down and make me feel like shit. there must be something i do that makes everyone so mad at me.I just don't know anymore. I don't think i'm seeing clearly. Current mood:  crushed.
wow its been a long time, since i have wrote in this. well it's 2 in the morning and i just got back from my moms where everyone was drunk. but i did manage to avoid a few fight with jim. latter today i ahve a wedding to go to and i really don't know the people. and sunday theres a family bbq at my moms again. being a nanny is still great ang i love every moment of it. i start a part time waitressing job on monday and will be working day and night on my birthday on wed. the big 20!!! personally I have been doing really weell in certin areas. I have had mostly positive thoughts. no more suicdel thoughts. I have lost 30 pounds too, and it feels great. i still have a bunch more to go but i'm on my way to healthy.I think that i am also gaining more self confidance and that feels good too. My social life is getting bigger and i am starting to feel good. Turning my life upside was all me and no meds and I am greatly proud of that fact. and i am soooooo tired that i need to go to bed right now. Current mood:  accomplished.
so a new life cycle has emerged once again! I have quite my job at bjs and i am now a nanny for a 8 week year old boy. this would be the smae boy i saw being birthed. doesn't that just beat it all? I'm still in a good place. I'm fighting my way up. which is incredably good. t he other alyernitive was not a good place and it was getting me no where. i just hope that i can keep going up. Current mood:  contemplative.
I am now a proud auntie. Thurday night at 7:06 Kentin Roderick Rowell came into this world weighting 5 lbs. 14 onces. Hes a premi but a beautiful healthy one. His mommy is my step sister Lizzy.What a tiring week. Before the birthing, I'm talking days to a week, I was helped. This person would probbly never know how she helped me. It wasn't any thing major either. Just talking to her helped. I have not seen or talked to ally in over a year. We were really close in high school, we were best friends as upper classmen.She was more like me then anyone else she was some one i always wanted to be. but when we went to college, neither of us had much of a chance to see each other. Then over the summer hen it was possible i was too scared to see her. I was afraid tht she had changed and if i went to see her she would see that I had not and would find me lacking. I will admitt to being a coward. then out of the blue online she started to talk to me and we were satarting to catch up on things. Just talking to her reminded me of what I wanted to be and how far I have still to go, to get to that place. I don't want to be in a constant depression but I don't want to take meds for it either. so its up to me to get out of this damn hole and become who iwant to be. And damn it I've started this new path, lets just see where it takes me. there is so much I want to say but will never find the courage to speak, there is so much that I want to feel so much I want to think, i could never communitcate what I feel or feel what I say. Freedom comes with a price. A price high enough to make a half hearted attempt to find it. Will she see the error of her ways? If the sun came out and cleared the shadows away, would she take the step to freedom? Or will the fear that lurke in those shadowy places, wind its crushing arms ino her heart? The fear is so great and she hesitates,and steps back. always back and never foward. Freedom is to great a cost. She can never live when she fears death. Death has many forms, and she knows too many. I'm still alive but it hasn't gotten any easier. Now when i am not at work or sleeping, I'm at the hospital. My step sister who is 6 monthes with a baby in her belly, her water broke. she hasn't gone in to labor which is good but she could at any time. My nephews life is at stake here. On top of this drama Carolyn and I have been getting scary phone calls from some foriegn man, who keeps asking questions about my dad, asking where he is, we keep telling him we don't know, which is the truth my dad is on security mission. We don't know where he is, who hes with, or what hes doing. So the foriegn guy tells caorolyn that he wants to meet my dad, after she told him many times she doesn't know where he is. This guy calls a few times a day. It freaked the hell out of us. I have always considered myself a strong person, but this year has been pushing me past my endurance level. been gone for awhile, well here but not really here. So much has happened. My father left on NOvemeber 15th. what an awfull day.600 soilders left that day and the families that were there to see them off was much much more.my father was in a diffrent car then me, there were four cars in our party. when we got there we couldn't find my dad we were running late , the traffic was horrible.But we did get to see him a brief hug and kiss and a good bye. then he was gone. i haven't cried yet there were tears that day but no crying, becauase crying is weak and i had to be strong for my dad for my family and for my little sister i held tight while she cried for the dad that was leaving us. but now sitting here and writing i cry. I cry for the dad i may never see again, i cry for the accident that wrecked my car and i cry for everythging i havrn'y cried for. all the pain and sadness i have ever kept in. For friends that I have lost.For secrets that I keep down in the very bottom of my soul. I get so angry at my self for letting that despair wrap around me, but it feels like the more i fight the deeper it's hold gets. I just want to be happy and whole.i just... can't write... anymore. |
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